


Blvd. Knights

by NDF



Series: Be Quiet and Drive [3]
Category: The L Word
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama, F/F, Gangs, POV First Person, Romance, Street Racing, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-12
Updated: 2018-02-28
Packaged: 2019-03-17 09:01:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13655763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NDF/pseuds/NDF
Summary: Shane tries to move on, Carmen has a plan, Havoc wants it all. Three perspectives, one outcome.





	1. The game so far

**Author's Note:**

> Part three of the Be quiet and Drive saga. You will need to have read The Line Begins to Blur and The only mistake to get whats going on.

Do you ever feel like your life is like a movie? Do you ever feel like maybe the reels are spinning too fast, that maybe you missed some key part of dialogue, an action sequence? You ever ask yourself did I miss something? Maybe you got up to use the restroom, maybe you looked the wrong way and for that split second you missed something critical. And so what then? In most cases you have someone there with you to tell you if you missed something. If you’re lucky you can hit that rewind button on your DVD remote. 

But what if your life is the movie? Fast cars, drugs, booze, sexy women at every turn, diabolical villains; you know a good old fashion high stakes kind of movie. The movie with twists and turns and a furious plot, what then? What do you do when you missed something? What do you do when you no longer understand what the fucking hell is going on? Suppose you walk in like right now. Suppose you stumble upon this scene right here and now.

 

“Don’t you want to hear my side?” Havoc asked.

 

“Since when do you have a side?” Carmen yelled.

 

“Hey if she has a side then I have a side, it’s only fair.” Havoc said.

 

Her fist flew hard into his nose…this wasn’t going to be good for the baby…

 

This is not where we should start. No one wants to walk in right at that moment in the movie. The movie that is your life, my life really. So I guess we should rewind, or go to the main menu and hit play, and take it from the top…


	2. Deathblow

I don’t know if you have ever read The Tale of the Body Thief by Anne Rice. I have read it a million times. I don’t know why. It’s not her best book it’s not her worst book, but there a lot of really great moments. The whole thing in the desert. The whole thing on the boat. The shock of finding that David didn’t go to Lestat, but the Body Thief did. The whole bit with the old chic in the red dress…ok maybe I liked the book more than I said. And the real maybe question is what the hell does this have to do with me? I too like Lestat have found Miami to be my new home. And I too like Lestat have come to the idea that life wasn’t worth living anymore.

I walked this city in haze. Wandering, wondering about Carmen. Was she ok? Was she alive? Why did she quit the F.B.I.? Why has no one seen or heard from her? It was like she vanished off the face of the earth. I called and called and left message after message. Till one day a mean crisp voice warned me to never call again. Agent Morales was no longer Agent Morales. She quit and no one has heard from her.

I wanted to die. I saw no reason to go on with this. The fear of what might have happened to her was too much to deal with. Word out of California was that Havoc put a price on her head and mine. So maybe she quit her job and went to live a normal life somewhere away from all this shit. Or worst case scenario; Havoc caught up with her and she was dog food. Either way I was having a hard time dealing with it. The not knowing, the sleepless nights, the thing I am doing to deal with all of this. 

It’s been six weeks since she shot me. My shoulder healed but my soul did not. When Dana kissed me two weeks ago. I let her. I know I shouldn’t have. I know. But I needed to feel something. Something other than what I was feeling. We went out for dinner to a place Hemingway use to frequent. We ate good, really good better than I have eaten in a while. I felt like an orphan around her. Sad, malnourished, no home.

It was well into our third bottle of wine when I notice that she is seducing me. With her eyes and her lips and her smile and how many and’s was that? Oh and her humor she made me laugh. I didn’t want to laugh but I did. We walked on the beach afterward. She asked me how I met Carmen. Did I want to remember? Sure I did. It was the most passionate thing I have ever done. So I told her. Then I remembered Mark and how everything was so smooth between us. And I close my eyes and hear the probable sound his skull made when the bullet passed through.

 

It’s then I get all choked up. It’s then that Dana tells me to let it out. It’s then when she says everything will be alright, everything is going to work out in the end. She calls me baby, she coo’s in my ear. It’s that dangerous moment. That straight ol’ line. The one I can’t walk. The wrongs I can’t ignore. Why she wants this I don’t know. That heavy moment hanging in the air as my eyes dry out from the heat we are generating. She is mumbling something…

“Shane? I …I’m going to…gonna…leave you to uh you know walk and be alone...so uh goodnight...” She doesn’t leave and we kiss. And I should feel good. And I should feel better. But I don’t. I didn’t. I couldn’t. At least I thought I couldn’t.

She dragged me down on top of her and the sound of waves and her deep breathing was all I heard. Her hands all over. The way she let me do what I wanted, the way she let me take complete control. The way she was not like Carmen. Carmen who charged for every piece of her my tongue came in contact with. I stopped to get some air. And I looked down at the need in her, the wanton lost look, she almost looked like felt bad about wanting me to fuck her.

 

 

“Don’t do that”

“Do what?” Dana asked, her moonlit face a mask of confusion.

“Don’t feel bad about this…if I didn’t want to I would walk away….”

 

“Shane-” I kiss her to get her to shut up. Kissing her is completely different from Carmen. Carmen made my head hurt, she made my mouth hurt, she made all things in me flicker and burn. Dana was warm and sweet and inviting. There was no danger of combustion, no fear of any kind. But that doesn’t mean she isn’t hot. I could feel her urgency. She wanted me inside her and fast. But I teased her with my mouth. I bit her softly through the fabric of her blouse. My teeth finding her hard nipple and my tongue applies the slightest amount of pressure, her breathing heavy and hot, her lungs desperate for a way to catch up with the pounding blood in her head. And the familiar feel of her muscled thighs so strong like a vice. My hand knew the way. We had traveled the road together many times. I could never get her to scream. It was always the moans the panting but never a scream.

I think back to that dream of Carmen and I in bed. The crispness, the unreal pounding in my blood that wanted to never come up for air. Is it wrong to fuck someone when you’re hung up on someone else? Is it wrong when you’re far inside and you feel the pull and it’s dragging you so far down, is it wrong to dream that it’s Carmen? Is it?

You bet your sweet ass it is.

And on that night way before Carmen found me at the club, way before Havoc showed up, way before I found out Carmen was pregnant with his baby. I knew it was wrong to use Dana. And somewhere in Dana I am sure she knew it wrong to use me.

It’s a lonely thing is what I kept telling myself. When we crawled off the beach and made it official to go back to her house and keep on fucking. We stumbled back in from the beach, hot, dirty covered with sand. We head to the shower and get the water going. I am standing in the shower getting the right temp for the water; Dana is kissing the back of my neck as I turn the dial to get the shower on. The warm spray of water hitting us getting all the sand off.

I turn her around and look at her. I use to love this woman. Her strong arms, firm everything. Those green eyes, the softness of her hair, the shape of her mouth, I tell her all of this. She doesn’t say anything in return. All she does is kiss and lick her way down my body, she finds what she is looking for and my eyes get all scrunchy. Dana was never really that good at that. She tried but she could never get over how strange it was to her.

And yet this time though she got over it really good. Her tongue darting in and out. Her teeth doing the right thing, her fingers god her fingers, in and in and out. Shit was all I could say. When I came it was by surprise. I love it when that happens. And then something weird happens. We start kissing, really long passionate kisses. Not hard need, not desperate desire. We just kiss. And Dana gets her fancy soap and starts lathering it up. She gets one of her spongy things and cleans me up. Her touch is soft and it feels incredible. She tells me she always wanted to do that.

 

She tells me that all she ever wanted to do was take care of me. She says some other stuff about her house on the beach in Hawaii. She says we should go there once we made enough money off this town. Her hands dong all the sweet careful things hands could do in the shower. She suggested we move to her condo in Miami. She says she has been on the phone with her lawyers, she said her lawyer found the perfect spot for a garage just outside Little Havana. She looks me dead in the eyes and tells me she knows she will never replace Carmen, that she knows I am only doing this with her to feel something. She tells me she knows me better than I think, probably better than Carmen. She says all she wants to do is take care of me. She washes the soap off and we kiss some more.

Out of the shower, towels, kissing rubbing, sweat. It was twisting and turning, it was all a person could have asked for. But it wasn’t the same; it wasn’t that forbidden thing we had back in California. It wasn’t my little fantasy of finding a rich chic to take care of me; it wasn’t even the brief period of time when I thought I was in love with her. It was good the feel of her and her warmth. But every time I closed my eyes, I wanted to open them and find Carmen grinning at me. And it never happened. I wanted those dark brown eyes, like chocolate. Instead I got green, olives right off the tree green.

The next morning I wake to her laying on my back, I felt the heat of her breasts crushed into my back. Her hands snaked their way around my waist, her tongue licking the beads of sweat that were running down my neck. Her fingers found me hot and heavy in between my legs… she whispered in my ear “Did your Carmen do this? Did she make you come really hard, I bet she did…I bet she fucked like it was her life or yours, I bet your thinking about her right now, her ass, her lips, those sexy curves, stacked and ready to go,” She slid her fingers in me when she said this, at first I didn’t notice it too hung up and why she would say these things to me when I wasn’t even awake yet? Her fingers in me with her right hand. Her left hand on my clit, the things coming out of her mouth…. “You know I saw you with her on the beach….I saw the way you held her….I saw the way she kissed you. God I wanted to be with you like that.” She stops talking and started licking my shoulder her teeth grazing my back. “I love this tattoo….is it for her?”

“I….I…” is all I say. I can’t think the pressure of her body….the feel of her inside of me…. “You got it for her didn’t you….you wanted to feel pain so you wouldn’t think about her…Shane I love the feel of your pussy…” And the wave of pleasure that hits me makes me feel really bad…and good and bad….I scratch and the sheets pulling them down a little. She kisses the side of my face to make it better….I tell her to get off of me….and she seems confused.

I get out of bed on shaking legs and stumble to light a cigarette.

“Shane, what’s wrong?” Dana asked lounging like a cat.

“You, me, this, you can’t talk about her when we do this, you can’t bring her up ever! I don’t want to talk about her, I don’t want to think about her…it’s over she is gone…you want to be with me great, but don’t, do not bring up Carmen…..ever….am I making myself clear?”

 

“Yeah…I’m-“

I don’t let her finish I walk out of the room and head to the bathroom.

 

*

 

My new assignment was different. I had no partner. I had no one to answer to other than Chico. I truly enjoyed the freedom that the D.E.A. offered. We worked off the books and financed our operations off the busts we made. It left me with the freedom to hunt down Havoc my way. Of course there is a catch to everything.

I couldn’t see Shane till the assignment was finished. I couldn’t go anywhere near her. Turns out that Havoc really wanted Shane for some reason. Apparently he was moving his whole organization to Dade County. He wanted to get even with Shane that was my idea. Chico agreed but offered something more, Miami is a hotbed for drugs, and maybe Havoc was trying to get a new pipeline going while he was trying to get even with Shane?

 

I arrived in Miami a little over three weeks ago. I blended in well, my Spanish carrying me all the way. I tailed Havoc who had no clue I was near him. Saw him as he found a new race shop…saw him recruiting some new blood….saw him as he found Shane and Fairbanks in condo on South Beach. I saw him as he watched them, I drew my gun but he did nothing…just watched as they made their way to a limo.

So it seemed Shane wasn’t too broken up about me. And that really burned. But it wasn’t her fault…I did this with my lies and quest for revenge. She didn’t seem happy though. Dana Fairbanks was draped all over her…like Shane was some kind of trophy she won. But Shane seemed like she was a million miles away. Was she thinking about me? I hoped so. I hoped that this thing with Fairbanks was only because I gave her reason to. I was keeping my three car distance when I suddenly felt a wave of nausea. I tried to blink and focus on the road but I felt so sick…I had to pull over and I puked my guts up……I look up from the sidewalk and see that Havoc and the limo are gone….I hit the Comm on my wrist and let them know I lost them.  
I don’t ever get sick….ever….was it something I ate? Then it all starts making a sick kind of sense? The fatigue I have been feeling lately…the swelling….the weird dreams….when was the last time I had my period?

 

Little Havana

“So tell me what you got!”

“Si senor Havoc.”

“I uh see Shane and the tennis woman. They buy this how do you say un como se,”

“A garage?”

“Si, a garage. Yeah they buy this spot I know well, it’s from Endy…Shane I guess knows Endy…they buy it yes and they have deliveries for stuff you know…and they make deal with the URL to race yes…”

So Shane and her millionaire tennis babe are starting up a new venture. Shane is a smart lady….and racing in the underground racing league was very cool. No more bikes, tuners all the way. I can’t wait to see what she puts on the track.

People know me as a lot of names, Willy, Billy…Havoc. Havoc was the name my best friend Carlos gave me. He called me the chaos bringer. Some say I find trouble and I liked it. Some say trouble finds me. But the truth is that I am trouble. Always have been and I always will. That bitch Carmen thinks she is so fucking smart. She thinks that I don’t know she is a D.E.A. pig now. She thinks that I can’t tell when the same car is trailing me from three cars away. She thinks that I don’t know why she is here. We are after the same thing she and I.

 

Shane.

Way back when I hatched this kooky plan. I thought to myself, I said “Self you see that Mexican chic at the bar she is fucking hot…Shane will love her.” I have this thing. I can’t explain it. But I have this tendency to fall for dykes. I don’t why it happens…but it happens a lot…but that is beside the fucking point. I knew Carmen would rock Shane’s bedroom and I wanted to be responsible for it.

I knew about Shane for a while. I knew what made her tick. I knew that she killed the dude who popped her dad. I knew she was the warm milk for all of Curt’s stray whore’s. I knew a lot of things. This weasel here who I will call Weasel. Yeah I had him keep an eye on Shane for me. He let me in on all the stuff Shane and the tennis chic were up too.

Shane passed all my tests…with flying colors…she wouldn’t let Carmen kill me…that’s got to count for something right? I got the asshole that was responsible for having her pop killed. I knew she called him Pop. I knew everything about Shane McCutcheon. Her eyes are green. A pale shade of green. Her mouth was full and kissable…her body thin and toned. Her favorite band was The Deftones. They didn’t like being called The Deftones though they prefer Deftones. She got the tattoo of the self-titled album on her back, when that bitch Carmen left her and didn’t even tell her why. My favorite song on that album was Deathblow.

 

“As soon as you came in the agony went away. I noticed what you wore to everything….”

 

That line always reminds me of her. One way or another I was going get her to understand me. One way or another she was going to realize that being with me was better than death.


	3. Behind the wheel

South Beach, Miami Florida.

Dana and I are sitting at one of these fancy art deco restaurants that pollute this area. We have been living in Miami for almost a month now. I hate it here. People say L.A. was fake and plastic and I say you haven’t seen Miami yet. Dana is going on and on about how great my new car is. It’s a blue Imprezza. It’s Carmen’s car. I don’t tell Dana that when she buys it for me. I don’t tell Dana a lot of things.

She asks where I go when I am not with her. And I tell her I just walk on the beach. I don’t tell her about the drinking or the late nights with the girls of Pink Marmalade. They love me in there. It’s a strip club on Biscayne Blvd. I drive the girls home, they let me stay with them, sometimes they want sex; most times they want to give me sex. I have a favorite girl named Marina. She has dark hair and has a mystique and also has a very sexy accent I can’t place. Her number is ringing on my new cell phone. And I don’t answer. Dana notices that I checked my phone and asks who that was. I get up and make a motion to pay but she won’t have it, and flips a couple of twenties for two cups of coffee.

I can fell the argument coming before it gets here.

 

“So where were you last night?”

“Out.” She grabs the phone out of my hand and read the last number called.

“Who is Marina?”

I said nothing just looked at her. 

“You want to tell me why Marina is more important than coming home?”

“Look… Dana… I am really not in the mood right now….” I turn to walk away and she grabs my arm and spins me back to face her.

 

“You know Shane I think you owe me an explanation…I.... thought we were together I thought we had a relationship……what the fuck is going on?”

“Dana you need to calm down….you know I don’t do relationships….we are business partners who fuck every once in a while….and I don’t want you right now…..so get off my back already-”

“Fuck you……I saved your life…..I took care of you…..I….I…lov….”

“I am sorry Dana….but we are just business partners…and don’t ever and I mean never confuse it…I can’t be what you want me to be…I can’t love you…I can’t trust you…nor do I want to. It’s just the way it has to be. if you want out, if you want to leave and take everything go ahead but don’t talk to me about love…I don’t want hear it…look I know it’s fucked up the way I am…….but I am just being honest with you. I’ll see you tonight ok?”

Her wounded demeanor left nothing to my imagination.

I didn’t know it then but Dana was working against me. Dana had a serious gambling problem and this whole bit she was giving me about how I am here for you, I love you, I am trying to save you. It was all bullshit. She never left her husband for me, she left California because she owed a lot of money and her husband was liquefying all of her assets. She was lying to me. Did I know it then? Was that why I was treating her that way? No, I was treating her that way because the woman I loved most in this world was gone to me. The movie that was my life was getting murky. I was back to not trusting again. A sure sign I was in trouble. I made my way to Marina’s house after that blow up with Dana. I needed to relax before my race that night.

 

*

 

Marina greeted me with a drink and her warm body. I needed both badly. She was in a black silk nightgown. I drank the sugary sweet concoction and threw the glass on the floor. She didn’t mind.

 

“I missed you Shane…..” is all she said.

 

We stripped our clothes faster than locomotive. She was tan all over, her nipples hard in my mouth, her breasts pressed against my face. I breathed in her spicy scent; I licked the valley between her breasts spicy again and soft. She mussed my hair looking for a way to get a hold of me; she whispered things in Italian or French or Latin to me it was some new language maybe all rolled into one and off her tongue. She wanted to give pleasure as much as she got. We stumble into her bedroom, and land on the bed. She is underneath me squirming, laughing. She stops and looks at me she stokes my face my, chin, the scar there. She runs her hands all along my back, feeling the small scars from the tattoo, she runs her fingers over the scar on my shoulder, my abdomen, and she looks at me. And we kiss. It’s soft, her tongue moving right in time with mine. I slink my way down her body, kissing her here and there, and stopping waiting for her to move my head to where she wanted.

When I first met her at the strip club. She was tending bar. I was sitting there with an empty glass. She made me this drink the sugary one that she greeted me with. She said I looked like I needed something sweet. I drank it down and three more. Then I went out for a smoke and she followed me.

“You know you have a dark cloud circling around you.”

“Want to help me get rid of it?” And we went back to her place, this place. I learned that night that Marina is some kind of royalty. She was very much in love with her husband. But she had these urges for women. I said cool. She said I could anything but fuck her. She didn’t want anything of me in her. I didn’t ask why. She gives me the signal and moves my head between her legs. I lick her thighs, and she grabs my hair. I lick and nibble on her clit till I hear her moans…jagged, rough, like they are being torn from her.

A little while goes by.

She asks me why I am so sad. She says a woman like me should not be so sad. I tell her I have a hard time thinking of myself as a woman sometimes, I tell her that I am a vessel for people to trap and betray. She laughs and tells me that Americans are very dramatic. She touches my nipples gently and she says that I feel like a woman, she says woman with scars have no home, but that is doesn’t mean that they aren’t women. She leans on top of me her body much taller than mine. We kiss, hot and heavy kisses. All over she runs her hands just getting to know which parts respond more to her touch. She in so gentle when she fucks me. She makes it last really long, she is moving so slow. I keep my eyes closed and see Carmen in my mind. I see her smile at me in that sinister way when she comes and it pushes me right off the cliff.

 

*

“I have to go…” I tell her.

“I know, you always go when feelings start to come.” She says. “This woman you love her very much yes?” I look at her, Marina. Maybe in another life…

“Yes I love her very much.”

“Even though she lies and uses you for a vessel?”

“It’s was different with her, she was damaged and she had a job to do…but I think that she loved me… I don’t know.”

“You know something Shane, love is like water….no… love is like fire. For some the fire burns hot, and for a long time….for others it burns then fades away, for most the fire is just ashes…for others it flickers in the light…and for some it burns so hot that it leaves you cold….but it is always love….this woman if she is smart she will come back….you have love to give forever. You are selfless and that is the most pure form….now go. I tire of this dark poetry with you. Smile you are beautiful.”

And she walks to her bathroom and closes the door. I had a race to get to. Little did I know that hell was round the corner…

 

*

 

I sat in my car staring at Havoc stare at Shane as she left the home of one Marina Ferrer. A Countess of all fucking things. Only Shane would find royalty in fucking Florida…

I had to stop doing this. Shane doesn’t know I am here. If she did we would be together. Shane’s car is a blue Imprezza, like the one I had back in California. It had Blvd Knights written on the rear window, I guess that was her new racing team. Why did she pick an Imprezza? Was it for me? Maybe Fairbanks gave to her for free; she is the spokeswoman after all, just thinking about it made me sick. And thinking about why I was sick was driving me crazy. 

I was sick all morning. I went down the street from my hotel to the Rite Aid to buy one of those home pregnancy things to confirm what I already knew; I was pregnant. I sleep with a guy once in an attempt to kill him and all I get is a baby. What the fuck was I going to do kill the father of my child? Have an abortion? It just made my head hurt more and more the more I thought about it. What about Shane how would she accept a baby from the man who killed the only family she had. This is unreal…fucking fuck…

* 

“Dana this is unreal……..look at how many people are here…”

We were on the rooftop of a parking garage in downtown Miami. The parking garage was still under construction. It’s a three lap race up and down the garage. My car was ready I had never been in a tuner race before and I was kind of nervous. Dana was looking around for someone. At the time I didn’t know it was her booking agent in Florida; Havoc.

Marina’s words about Carmen coming back to me and was ringing in my head. I missed Carmen so much. This woman I didn’t know. I was going out of my head. I didn’t realize I started my car. I didn’t realize the race had started. I just went on reaction. The rules was no nitro on the track. I was a couple of seconds behind the other three drivers. But I made up the time taking turns a little more aggressively than my competitors. I got into the bumper of two drivers and they backed off rather easily. I guess they didn’t want to dent their rides. We are on the second lap when I caught the leader. Whoever was driving that lead car was good really good. I tried the bump and run but the car wouldn’t back down eventually beating me to the start/finish line.

The race was over and I was in second. The purse was twenty-five grand. Not bad. But not fifty grand. Dana came over and kissed me generating oh’s and awe’s from the crowd. I walk over to congratulate the winner who emerges from the car and removes his helmet. Imagine my surprise when I see Havoc staring back at me...

 

“Hey Shane…..howzit going? Great race huh. Almost had me there…”

“You now this guy Shane?” Dana asked.

“Yeah I know him…..where the fuck is Carmen?” I had my knife on his throat. Everyone high tailed it out of there. This behavior normal in Bakersfield not so normal in Miami.

“Hey Shane come on who cares about her….she is a lying whore. She fucked us both over-”

“Did you kill her? Is she dead?” I pressed the knife harder into his throat.

“No,” he smirked. “She is not dead…yet.” 

I press the blade even deeper, blood red, into his throat. “Tell me where she is tell me right now!”

“Shane we have to go, cops Shane, cops!” Dana says.

“Hey Shane, I’ll see you soon, you look great by the way….”

 

That is the point in the movie where you want to pause. Or hit rewind. Havoc in Florida. Havoc beat me in a race. Havoc tried to cope a feel off of me…..Just what the fuck was going on? And where the hell was Carmen? I looked around as we drove off….some pattern some rhyme some reason something made me feel like she was around.  
We drove back to the condo. And all I could hear was Dana’s questions. Was that the guy from California, why did he look at me with googly eyes? Did I get the money, why didn’t I win; I always use to win back in Cali, no questions about Carmen? The only questions about Carmen were coming from my head.


	4. Undone

“So answer my question Shane,” Dana takes a deep drink before slamming the glass down on the bar. ”why did you lose that race?”

 

“The fuck are you talking about?”

“You’re not even here are you? Thinking about you precious goddamn Carmen!” The sting of her slap snapping me out of my thought…

 

“Answer me Shane…” She gets her hand up and I grab her arm.

“Don’t do that again…Dana what the fuck is going on with you?” I asked.

“Fuck you! All you give a fuck about is your fucking Carmen….we had a deal…..you win….we make money….we live happy….” She is mumbling this to herself as she walks away.

 

“Dana! Dana! Are you in some kind of trouble?”

 

“Get out! Get out! Get the fuck out of my fucking house! You ungrateful fucking hood rat! I wish to fucking god I never met you! GET OUT!”

 

“Dana…look at me…are you in trouble?” I had to duck because she starting throwing shit at me, dishes from the kitchen, a vase. Cd’s anything she could get her hands on. I grabbed her and push her down to the ground…..I put all my weight on her. She is cursing and yelling for me to get off of her…I didn’t know why she freaked out like that…I put my hand over her mouth. I took a deep breath and calmly asked her what the fuck? “I need you to talk to me…I have never seen you act this way…please tell me what’s wrong so I can help you…please….”

“I hate you…” She might as well had spit it at me as she that. I looked at her in confusion. “you fucked my whole life up…..get the fuck off of me right now. I was always just some rich bitch, never could understand the torture that is your pathetic life….”

“Dana what the fuck is wrong with you? Are you fucking for real?…We come all this way.I lose one race….and I am a piece of shit now?”

“No you were a piece of shit always….you and your whores, and stealing and your fucking Carmen. It’s all about Carmen…..you lost the race cause of Carmen. You fuck around three weeks into our new life….a life I provided for you all for that fucking cunt cop…..”

“I don’t even know you…..why did you even bother? You should have just have let Havoc kill me…why do all of this….why?”

 

“Don’t give me that fucking puppy dog shit of yours…..you fuck like a hammer….and I thought that if I gave you everything you would forget that cunt….and that I could get you back to being the thing you were before her…before you got soft…”

She glares at me…whoever this woman is…we’ve never met. She holds my stare….deep into my soul….our breathing starting to match….I don’t know why but she kisses me…all teeth and tongue…and I kiss her back…this is fucking weird I think to myself…She pulls my t-shirt over my head and sucks on my nipples hard pulling me up to her mouth she kisses my lips, bites my tongue…I’d like fight it…but I know I am being won…I’d like to hate her but I am not that strong.

 

Little Havana

 

I am cleaning the wound Shane left me with. The sting of the alcohol provides the necessary pain for me to flash to her eyes….Havoc my boy you got it bad for her. I tell myself in this in the mirror. Boy that tennis chic sure made the wrong the bet. Poor Shane people always use her. I wonder how she would feel if she knew that her sweet Hollywood wife was in the shit for 950k?

 

 

 

South Beach, Miami Florida.

 

 

I had to hang up on Chico while I was giving my report. I felt this wave of nausea and couldn’t hold on any longer. Shane didn’t see me as she hauled ass out dodge to avoid Florida’s finest. I was across the street on the apartment building’s roof. She looked lost. Sad. Not the cocky racer she was back in California. This was all my fault…I was killing her….I threw up on the roof just before the race started.

I saw Havoc getting the money from Fairbanks and I couldn’t believe it. I might have not even caught it had I not waited around to see Shane leave the Countess’s house….what kind of Countess tends bar anyways? I was getting the feeling that we were not going to find any connection with Havoc and drugs here….Havoc was acting the same as we all were, distracted…

 

Ocean View Apartments

 

“Ohohohohgodgodgodgodgod…”

Dana fucked me like she wanted to hurt me and I gave it right back to her. We lay in each other arms…bloody, glass everywhere…trust nowhere…I knew I had to leave….I just didn’t know where I was going. She catches her breath and pushes me off her. She tells me not to steal anything on the way out.

“You owe money right?” I asked her this as I buttoned what was left of my shirt. ”People only attach over money, people only lie and betray people they supposedly care about over money….”

“Yup Shane you’re a fucking Jedi with all this mind reading…I owe money….I made some bad choices mostly involving you…….now leave before I call the fucking cops….” Dana glared at me as I pulled my pants up. She slammed the door in my face as I tried one last time to talk. What the fuck is going on with her I thought as I walked to my car. I searched around to see if I could see that fucking Havoc. What the fuck was with him anyway? He kills my crew, blows up my house and now this. I didn’t need a rewind button, I needed a new movie all together….maybe a romantic comedy.

Carmen was here in Florida, Havoc pretty much hinted as much. I needed to do some recon. I needed to hit the pavement…but I didn’t know anyone in this town….except for Endy. I hopped in my car and checked myself in the mirror. I had blood on my face….I wasn’t sure if it was mine or Dana’s. On the drive over I gave Endy a call. We need to talk is all I said. He gave me an address and I made my way to it.

I walked into the bar. It was my kind of bar. Dark, dirty, smokey. I sit at the bar and order a MGD and a shot of Jamison. The jukebox was playing some Latin music. I see Endy and call him over. Endy was a friend of my dad’s years ago in Texas. Dad always said if I needed anything in Florida for whatever reason to go see End Chavez.

 

“Hey Shane, what can I do for you?”

“Ok this is going to sound weird but has there been anyone you now asking about me? Anyone like a body builder type, blonde, blue eyes…real stupid grin on his face?”

“No but someone has been asking about you and your woman, the real up tight lady you introduced me too…he is skinny looking kind of like a ferret” He looked around like maybe the walls had ears.

No one was watching us.

“But no blonde guy huh?” I asked him.

“No baby Im sorry. But there is something weird going on…this guy he asks about how long you been in town, he asks about your shop. He ask about your ride. He ask about you and your Bonita, he ask if you hang out in town you know, like where you go….I dont think good things about this guy, so I tell him nothing…”

“Thank you End. Listen I need a place to crash for a while…I. have money….”

 

“No mama, I no take you money we familia, tu padre es me amigo, no you stay with me and my Maria. They kids will love you…”

 

“Ok one more thing…I need to ditch this ride….I just don’t trust it…you know someone who would trade with me…it’s brand new only 5000 miles on it…maybe…”

 

“I got someone who would want it. He might even trade you the same make but maybe a WRX 10. It’s much faster than the one you have now….gimme a couple of days…in meantime this is the address for my house. Here is key, I call Maria and tell her to get room ready for you….I see you later mama take care of yourself.”


	5. Without you in my heart

I made a list of all the fucked up things that were happening with me just to keep track

 

Havoc, here in Florida.  
Dana completely lost it.  
Carmen was here but where?  
All of the above?

 

Had to find Havoc and beat Carmen’s whereabouts out of him. I needed a gun. I’ll ask Endy. Drove for while going nowhere in particular. I decided I needed to get out of my head so I head to this club called Splendor. The bass pulsing, the synths pushing me along, people everywhere. I flag down a waitress and order a couple of drinks for myself. I don’t wait long as she is back in a flash…she takes the money I hand her and stuffs it in her bra. She traces the scar on my chin and tells me the next round is on her. I get out on the dance floor and move to the beats on my own, feeling the crush of all the people around me…the music is not loud enough to drown out the noise in my head. I wondered why I couldn’t have been born into a life where everyone around me was not twisted? I drank the drinks and I felt the calming sting of the tequila.

 

I close my eyes to the beat, and I feel hands on me. Warm hands from the pretty waitress but I slink away not wanting the contact. I feel my cell phone vibrate in my jeans pocket. And I ignore it till it goes to voice mail.I get out of the crowd and head to the restroom, it’s crowed with guys and ladies….I find a stall all the way at the end…I put the phone to one ear and my finger in the other….the message I hear was so not what I was expecting….

 

“Shane I am sorry about the way I freaked on you. I overstated my bounds I thought we were together I…hey what the fuck are you doing in here, get out…….oh my-” My head popped up as I heard a struggle in the back ground. Dana screaming her head off then nothing….then a voice comes on the line.

 

“Hey Shane…man that chic had got a set of lungs on her. Look we need to talk. I uh...I need to see you so here’s the deal. This chic owes me a fuck load of money…and I will keep sending pieces of her to you till we meet. So think about it call me….’ Havoc said. Calm. Cool. Collected. And he read off the number….I just shook my head….of all the fucking things to happen……when I look up I see Carmen. I had to adjust my eyes because I couldn’t believe it…

 

*

 

I had my gun trained on my target I wondered if this was the right way. “Don’t move.” The green eyes bright and full they looked happy.

 

“You got me. You got your girl now you’ll be a hero.” 

 

“Shane….” She moved closer, oh god not again…

 

“Are you gonna shoot me Carmen? I don’t think you want to shoot me…”

 

I don’t know why I pulled my gun on her. Maybe because I knew the minute we saw each other the liquid fire was going to start bleeding out of me. She grabbed my gun and tucked it in her jeans, it made me ache and pulse to see her do that. We stood face to face, nose to nose, mouth to mouth….oh god not now….. I push her out of the way and barely make it to the toilet…

 

After about two minutes of puking I couldn’t even think about looking at Shane. But there she was looking concerned and trying to help. “Are you ok? Carmen stay right there I’ll get you some water…”

 

We didn’t have time for this Fairbanks was probably dead already…..I think.

 

*

 

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

The horror of Dana’s screams, Havoc’s threats and seeing Carmen was about all I could take till I saw her hack up her guts….I needed to get her water and get out of here. Then I had to figure out what to do about Dana. I bully my way up to the bar and ask for a bottle of water. ”Ten,” the bored bartender said to me. 10 bucks for water what the hell was the world coming to?

 

I run back to the bathroom and I see Carmen slumped on the floor. She looked pale and sweaty and beautiful. It hurt to look at her. My heart felt like it was going explode if I didn’t touch her to make sure it was her. To make sure she was real. I give her the water…she drinks it down. I get up from the floor and I see a crowd had developed. I tell them to back off as I wet some paper towels to clean her up. She says she is ok and gets up a little awkwardly. I put her arm around my shoulder and we walk out slowly…

 

As soon as we get out she starts to feel better. I don’t even know what to ask her first. So I don’t say anything…. We get to her car…a car I have seen around me a lot lately, a white Ford Mustang. I am so fucking pissed at the sight of it…

 

“So where’s your partner? you wired ?” I yell at her.

 

“Shane wait it’s not what you think-”

 

“Fuck is it then? You have known I was here for a while, you’ve been following me around, you’re going to arrest me aren’t you?” There was that whole matter of her being a fed, witnessing my confession to murder. 

 

“No Shane please….please stop yelling at me….you’re going to make me cry-”

 

“What?”

 

“I have been feeling a little emotional lately please stop yelling at me!”

 

“I don’t get chic’s sometimes…”

 

“Look Shane I will explain it all to you….I swear…”

 

“Heard that one before…” I said to her as I move around her to walk away.

 

“Look I am not here for you,” she says grabbing my hand. “I am here for Havoc.”

 

“Should have known.” I was done. Walking away seemed like the only way.

 

“Look Shane... Havoc kidnapped Fairbanks...” She wasn’t chasing. 

 

“How’d you know?”

 

“I have been surveying Havoc and I saw him take her and put her in the back of his truck”

 

“Why didn’t you do anything?”

 

“I am sorry Shane but I lost them…..I haven’t been feeling well lately….” She looked down staring at her shoes. She had that look again. The one that said she has something to say but cant. She looked so sad. I hugged her and she just sniffled on my shoulder.

 

I was such a sucker. Falling for those eyes, for those lips. God… “Ok… have you seen a doctor….of course you have, look… we gotta get Dana, she is in way over her head. I don’t know why she got involved with him in the first place?” The night life of Miami pulsed around us. We didn’t hear it. We didn’t feel it. We just gazed at each other like the world was ending. 

 

It was a full minute before she spoke.

 

“Shane um, I uh…really missed you…and I am sorry about everything. I never stopped thinking about you and I don’t want to have anything between us, if there is an us…anyway… I am just going to say it…..the reason why I am so sick…..the …thing is…that…I am pregnant…”

 

“Come again?”

 

“I am pregnant… with Havoc’s baby….”


	6. The Kill

“You’re going to have a baby! A baby from Havoc?” Shane asked.

“Shane-”

“I don’t know what to say. Um I guess I should say congrats... Yeah congrats….”

 

“Shane we need to figure out what we are going to do about Dana.”

 

“Dana?”

 

“Yeah/.. You know she is being held hostage by….”

 

“I know, the father of your child!”

 

Shane was in shock, to say the least. I didn’t know what was running in her head. I only saw the shocked look on her face. She didn’t seem mad just surprised. Maybe being mad will come later when Fairbanks was saved. If I knew anything about Shane at all, it was how she wouldn’t let up till we found Dana.

 

“Shane? Shane? What did Havoc say in the message?”

 

“Here listen for yourself…..”

 

I heard Fairbanks try to apologize to Shane (about what I wondered) then I heard the scuffle and that idiot on the line. He sounded nervous. Like he was calling for a date. I was starting to think he was in love with Shane, which was way too fucking bizarre to think about. And maybe I needed to start thinking bizarre, maybe that was my ticket to getting him.

 

And what about getting him. My job was already going to be compromised with my condition. This was getting more fucked as the days went on. I had to come clean with Chico. I had to, and to top it off, I haven’t seen him do anything other than take money from Fairbanks. Whatever drug connection the D.E.A. thought existed has not shown it’s self nor do I think it would. As far as I knew this was about to become an F.B.I. case. They handled kidnappings, and most of the time they went wrong. It’s a scary thing to admit, and most of the general public doesn’t know it, but whenever the F.B.I. got involved, it always got messy. How was I going to explain this to Shane? Shane probably wanted nothing to do with me…

 

*

 

Carmen had that look on her face she use to get back in California like she was late for an appointment that look her professional look. My mind wandered when I started thinking about her having a baby from that creep. She didn’t look that far along, she looked sick again…..my brain searching for a how and why…… it had to been when I found her with him and she was going to kill him…. I don’t why but I had to ask.

 

“Are you sure Havoc is the father?” I asked

 

“Shane of course he is the father, I never slept with a guy before, I mean other than him and that was… to…..”

 

‘To what? You’re a highly trained Special Agent why did you need to fuck him? I don't quite understood that Carmen, why don’t you explain it to me? Give me some more of your beautiful lies so I can think one thing while you’re doing another….”

 

“I deserve that, I have lied to you since the moment we met. And you of course you have no reason to trust anything I say to you. But we really don’t have time for this, I got to call this in Dana is in real trouble….”

 

“No you can’t bring in the Feds they’ll get her killed...”

 

“Shane I am not an agent anymore I work for the D.E.A. now….”

 

“So you really quit the F.B.I.?”

 

“Yes, how did you know?” Carmen asked.

 

“I called looking for you, I was worried about you.” I told her this as she got into her car. The door was open and I was kneeling down to meet her eye level. She looked at me in that way she used to, that way that made me think that things could work out with us. That way that made me feel like a million dollars. That way that made me fall in love with her all over again. I had to focus…… I needed to help Dana. 

 

“So what now?” I asked

 

“Well we can go to my boss, and we can see what he is going to say. He’ll probably recommend we call in the F.B.I. It’s their beat. And I will probably be taken off the case given my condition. They might even fire me.”

 

“Or we could find him and save her ourselves” I said.

 

“Shane that’s a very dangerous idea. You are not a in a position to bargain with him, you shouldn’t even bargain with him….”

 

“Look Carmen, I don’t want you to lose another job because of him…..”

 

“It doesn’t matter….” She just shook her head. “I don’t even want him dead the way I use to…I don’t know maybe it’s my hormones or something…”

 

“Do you want to have the baby with him?” I was so afraid of the answer.

 

“God no he is maniac killer…he killed Helena… but I just can’t not have it. And it’s not a thing about ending it, I just never thought I would have one….I mean Helena and I talked about it, but she wanted to be the mom you know. I guess I want it. I just don’t it anywhere near him….”

 

I got what she saying. It was probably the only child she will ever have. And what’s the fucking luck that it would get made under such bizarre circumstances. It must be hard for her to deal with it. Having the kid of the guy who killed your girlfriend. That was seriously fucked up. That’s the point in the movie when the audience is yelling at the screen in shock. Maybe even outrage.

 

“Look give me a chance to save her my way, then we can call in the fuzz…”

 

“The fuzz huh, what are you an outlaw?”

 

“Always babe….” She laughs, she actually laughs and smiles. I lean into her and kiss her cheek. And she laughs some more.

 

“I promise you Shane, there are no more lies…I can’t imagine not being near you…I really can’t…”

 

“Are you feeling well enough to drive?” I asked.

 

“Yeah I think the air in the club was making it hard for me to breathe.”

 

“Look follow me in your car I don’t want you to stay where you are at….I talked with Havoc and he really hates you…I know him and the way he thinks…he knows you’re here, he pretty much hinted at it…I don’t want anything to happen to you or your baby. The baby didn’t do anything, didn’t ask to be bought into our weirdo situation….I won’t let anything hurt you both….I swear. I will fucking gut him if he comes anywhere near you….”

 

“Where are we going?” she asked.

 

“I have a friend and he offered me a room…I’ll explain it without telling him much…I’ll set you up and then I’ll go to your room to get your stuff….”

 

“Alright, lead the way…”

 

On my way to my car I started to think that maybe Carmen and I could have a life together. We just had to get there. And in one piece. This is the point in the movie when you hear that up lifting music signaling a new beginning.

 

*

 

“You think she bought it?” The tennis chic asked.

“Yeah babe you did really well.”

“So why are you so hung up on Shane anyway you know she is gay right, I mean she is really gay, she is really good at it…”

“Why do you care, you don’t want her anymore right? Couldn’t get her mind off of Morales? Did that piss you off?”

“No….Shane is too stupid to see how great we are together it’s her loss, not mine.”

“Ah come on have you seen how fucking hot Carmen is? It’s not all Shane’s fault you know, I did my research well.’

“Maybe too well, you know this is going to push them closer together…”

“Yeah I know…..”

“So about my money?” The tennis chic asked.

“Yeah don’t worry, I’ll clear your debt….so why did you help her if you were just going to fuck her over?”

“I don’t know I hoped she would see Carmen for the lying cunt she is and-”

“And what move into your arms like none of it ever happened?”

“Yes, but fuck her….you want to, don’t you? Shane has that effect on people.”

“What I want to do to or with Shane… is my business….now get back to your room like a good girl. I am sure Shane will call any minute now.”

I watch as the tennis chic makes her way to her room. I was going to enjoy making her hurt…..the stupid bitch. This is what I mean. Shane is just too giving, this bitch didn’t get what she wanted…..and now look at her, all ready to sell her lover up the river…for what money? The bitch had money up the ass and it wasn’t enough for her….those riches and their high stakes lives…god it was so easy to get her to sell out Shane….press those bitter buttons….chic’s hate when their lover leaves them for a younger model. When I approached her with a solution for her debt she jumped right at the chance. I was going to make her pay for betraying Shane, and at the same time show Shane how I would never do that to her. That left Carmen….what was I going to do about her?

 

*

Miami Florida, Home of Endy Chavez

 

I parked my car right behind Carmen’s. we walked up the gravel road to Endy’s house. He lived pretty nice. The house was a lot bigger than I was expecting. It was still one of those ranch style houses that everyone has around this area, but it was nice. There was a huge tree with a tire swing on the front lawn. I took Carmen’s hand and held it. It was cold despite the hot day. She smiled that 1000 watt smile at me again. And I started to feel normal, whole again.

 

I knocked on the door and a little boy answered. I heard Endy scold the kid, yelling at him in Spanish. Endy was surprised to see Carmen.

 

“Shane, come in please…” Endy welcomed. 

“Thanks Endy….this is Carmen,”

“Hello it’s nice to meet you….” She said.

“Hey Endy can I talk to you for a minute?” I asked.

“Sure Shane.”

 

We went outside and I gave him the run down about Carmen. I didn’t say she was D.E.A. Endy didn’t run drugs so he had nothing to worry about, but I didn’t think he would like the idea of a cop in his house. He gave me the keys to the room above his garage out back. He asked about the uptight tennis chic. And I told him that she wasn’t really my girlfriend. I didn’t mention her being a hostage. He told me I was just like my father. A new girl every night. I told him it wasn’t like that with Carmen. I told him Carmen was my girl. He nodded in approval. I asked him if he knew a way I could get a gun. He said it would take a couple of days. I didn’t have a couple of days. I was working under the assumption that Dana only had a limited life line.

 

“Dinner in an hour if you want food.” Endy said.

“That’s sound good, but Carmen hasn’t been feeling well, so I think we’ll just rest in our room.” I told him.

“I will send something up to you room…”

“I can’t thank you enough.” I told him.

 

“No thanks, su padre, he was my best friend, he had my back more times than I care to admit to. Go get some rest, there are fresh towels and sheets. And air conditioning, you no get these accommodations in most hotels...ha-ha...”

 

We walk around back, my arm around her shoulder. I was so in love with this woman. It wasn’t even funny. She still smelled the same. That clean crisp scent that was all her. Her skin so soft. I couldn’t concentrate on saving Dana if I touched her. So I let her go and stared at her ass as she climbed the steps to the room. I had to take a deep breath. This was always the unreal part about knowing her. How attracted to her I was, it was insane. We walk into the small room. Just a bed and night stand. Off to the right was the bathroom. We just looked at each other knowing full well what happens with us when we are alone like this. The minute seemed to take forever. Then my phone rings and breaks up the moment.

 

“Yeah…” I said. Voice kind of sounding like ground up rocks. 

“Hey Shane….” Havoc said as if we were best friends about to talk about our day. I rolled my eyes and motion for Carmen to come over.

“Let me talk to Dana.”

“Not so fast sexy….let me talk to Carmen.”

“I don’t know where Carmen is.”

“Not good to lie to the man with the gun Shane.”

“What makes you think Carmen is here?”

 

“Shane come one, I got people all over you…I saw you leave the club, she’s got a white Mustang, you have a blue Imprezza that looks like the one I gave Carmen a while back, put the bitch on the phone or the next sound you hear is Dana’s blood leaving various wounds…..come on Shane, we have all day to talk you and me.”

 

“Carmen he wants to talk to you.”

“Why?” She sounded insulted. As if to speak to him was on the same level as speaking to a fat wet bug on the wall. 

“I don’t know…look don’t piss him off….”

“You know Shane I took a class on hostage negotiation.” She says. I give the phone to Carmen. The fucking guy knows we are here. He must have someone on me. They don’t talk that long and she doesn’t say much other than what. She hands the phone back to me.

“Ok you spoke to her now let me talk to Dana!”

“Shane come on why do you want to talk to her when we can talk?” He said.

“Havoc are you on crack? I don’t like you, you killed my best friend, you killed my boss, you blew up my house, and you fucked up my brand new Thruxton 900, you-” Almost said knocked up my girl….I had to get myself under control. Fucking Havoc didn’t need to know that about Carmen.

“What Shane? You can say it. I know about Carmen and the baby….she left the box in the sink in her room…..we are all family- “I hung up on him. We needed to get out of here.

 

We make our way down the stairs. And I see Endy’s car. I tell Carmen to duck down in the front seat. I ask her if she has her gun, and she points to my waist. Duh, I took it from her at the club. I give it back to her. I pull out into the driveway and I see the lights of this green Camero go on. That was my guy only he wasn’t so smart. Then again neither was I. I couldn’t tell if I was being tailed anymore….We drive for a little while…then I pull over and let him go past. Then I pull up behind him. You could see the hesitation, so I pull up right beside him and Carmen sort of gets what I am doing. She sits up and points her gun right at his face and tells him to pull over.

He stops the car and I get out while Carmen points the gun at him. I tell him to get out slowly and he does. Carmen gets out of her car like a pro never breaking her concentration on him. I just kind of lean on dude’s car and check her out. That sort of distracts her but not enough. She tells me to quit playing around. I tell the dude to get out and put his hands on the hood while I search his car. Nothing other than food, but he did have a gun in his glove box. I took it. Time for a little question answer.

“So I’m going to ask you a few questions and if I don’t like the answers this sexy lady here will shoot you. And she can and it will be legal, because you have some weed in that glove box, and she is a .D.E.A. agent. You got me? I told him.

 

“Yeah”

“So what’s your name buddy?”

“Jack, but the boss calls me Weasel.”

“Ok Jack. Where is the boss?”

“I am not sure, he calls when he needs me.”

“Carmen you can shoot him…” She points her gun and he starts yammering on about he is telling the truth. Carmen isn’t buying it and she cracks him one in the nose. He yells about police brutality and she cracks him again. He says stop. And gives us an address not too far from here, she tells him to pop his truck and get inside.

 

“Come here you.” I tell her. She slowly walks over as she takes the key to his trunk and tosses it on the road. She stops right in front of me and I finally kiss her after almost two months of not knowing, fearing, walking around like a zombie. And it feels so fucking good. Cars drive by honking their horns at us. The picture of my life, you could take it right now. Even though Dana was in trouble, even though Carmen was having his baby and I still didn’t fucking understand why, even though I never really dealt with the loss of my boy Mark, even though I had nothing to offer Carmen in the way of stability, with her tongue in my mouth the feel of body crushed with mine. I felt alright.

 

“God… you feel so good.” She tells me.

“We’ve got to go and see what popping at Havoc’s……..I want you to stay in the car…”

“No fucking way. We go together.” She pushes me away from her and starts walking towards the car.

“Carmen I don’t want to fight with you in your condition. Things could get bad…and I don’t ….I don’t want you to get hurt….”

“We go together or I call for back up-” I kiss her again. And she sighs. “Is that all you think about?” She says.

“It’s not me so much as it’s me reacting to you, so really it’s you. You have to stop being so fucking hot…I don’t know maybe wear a potato sack or something…..”

“Ha Ha, let’s go we got to save this chic.”

 

 

We take Weasel’s car. And make our way to the address he gave up. It was a hotel. Carmen flashes her badge and a photo of Havoc and the concierge takes us up to room 19. She tells the concierge to go back downstairs and call the cops. What we find when we go in is pretty fucked up. There is blood everywhere. And Dana well she didn’t have to worry about paying any debts off. Because she was dead. And her tennis racket well it was somewhere it wasn’t supposed to be. There was a letter for me on the door. Carmen pulled out some latex gloves Scully style and read the note.

Dear Shane,

 

I am sorry that this bitch here hurt you. I want you know that I only did this for you. I would never do anything to hurt you or the harbinger of my child…..yet……. This woman was only using you for money and sex. Carmen is using you to get me. You know the routine. I will never use you for anything except our mutual pleasure. I know you’re not so inclined. But you will be. I can be very persuading.

 

 

H.

 

 

This movie that was my life was starting to feel like David Lynch was directing it.


	7. Give Something

To say I was getting yelled at was an understatement.

Chico was pissed. He gave me a chance and I blew it. He wanted my badge and my gun. I was suspended until further notice. No drug connections made, and the jurisdiction crap now gave the murder case to the .F.B.I. even though the crime was committed on my watch. They bought both Shane and I in for questioning. Shane was cool didn’t break or crack at their invasive questions. I said nothing about the baby I was having. I just didn’t think it would make things better. To top it off. They called in a pair of agents from my old office in California to go over my final report. The looks they gave me, like I was damaged, was about all I could take.

 

I had no home to go to. And neither did Shane. So I called my old partner who retired in Florida, and the conversation went a little like this….

 

“Hey Mills….”

 

“Carm?”

 

“Yeah listen can Shane and I crash at your place for a while?” Fingers crossed.

“Shane and you….ok. My wife will get a kick out of seeing you again….wait Shane McCutcheon……. from the Bakersfield case?”

 

“Yes… I will explain it to you when we get there….” 

 

So now Shane and I are on the road heading to Orlando, Florida. The home of Mickey Mouse and all the other exciting stuff. Before we left we went back to give Endy his car back. He was worried but understood what was going on. He and Shane went off to the side to talk in conference. I can only imagine what was said. Then we split up for a second so Shane could go to the condo she shared with Fairbanks to get her stuff. I dropped off the rental and waited for Shane. Shane didn’t want to split up she was concerned about what would happen with Havoc on the loose. I told her I would be ok and she reluctantly agreed to go on without me.

She didn’t seem fazed at all by the death of Fairbanks, which was strange. Things just don’t seem to bug Shane the way they bug other people. But it was a lot of loss she was dealing with. I mean this guy was obsessed with Shane. He was only going to get more dangerous as long as he was out there. And he knows about the baby. My baby. I rubbed my abdomen. Somewhere in here was a tiny heartbeat. I couldn’t let him hurt the new family I was going to try to build with Shane. Shane who was so trusting, Shane who I was so in love with, who couldn’t stay mad at me for any of the messed up things I did to her. I looked over at her as she gazed out the window. She seemed to be a little upset now I guess the reality was sinking in.

“Hey ….”

“Carmen,” Her voices cracks a little when she says my name. “I ….won’t let him do that to you….it won’t be hard for me to kill him….”

“Aww baby, don’t think that way….The F.B.I. knows where we are going, and Mills was my partner back in California. They are going to put us under surveillance. They will get him sooner or later….”

“What did he say to you on the phone?”

“He said that you’re going to make a great mom….”

She just stared out of the window again. “Do you think that he is going to leave us alone till the baby is born?” She asked.

 

“You know Shane…I hadn’t thought about it but maybe…..come here…” She leaned her head on my shoulder. I told her it was ok to cry about Dana. I just focused on the road and Shane fell asleep. It was so sad to me that she was so concerned about me when she was the one in danger.

 

*

Carmen was driving and I was looking at her. She didn’t know I was awake. It’s that peaceful time just before the sun rises. The light is just cracking the sky. It’s a new day. And one would think that finding the love of your life after a fair amount of time being apart one would say horary. Life is sweet. And it is, but not now. Every time I close my eyes I see Dana’s corpse and she is angry with me. Before I awake to Carmen’s softness and I had a dream. In this dream Dana is playing tennis. She is in her prime. And she is killing her opponent. She is hitting spiked tennis balls at my head and she is telling me it’s for my own good, she says that she is doing me a favor…

Carmen is asking me if I want breakfast. “Shane you want to stop for something or you want to head straight for Orlando?”

“Carmen can you please pull over, I think I am going to throw up…” She pulls over to the side of the road and I barely make it out of the car before I puke my guts up. Carmen rubs my back in slow circles. I hate this, feeling weak, out of control. It bugs me. I don’t like the idea that things were beyond me, that I couldn’t get my myself out of something.

“You know that is my job right, we can’t be the vomit girls that’s just not sexy.”

I look at her not realizing she had a sense of humor. I think back to that first night we met. It seems like it happened a million years ago. I remember looking at her thinking who is this woman? And now on this highway, with all the completely rank things going she is making me laugh.

“What?” she says.

“I don’t know, you. Where have you been my whole life? Why couldn’t we meet under different circumstances?”

“Yeah I know what you mean, but think about it. If we would have met in our real lives, you would probably think I’m a snob.”

“No way, I would never think that…I wouldn’t be able to think past your tits….” Now she laughs. And it’s loud and scary but I love her still. We need mouth wash, I see her point …

“Yeah I…just had a bad dream…”

“We need to eat and get some rest…we are about an hour away from Casa de Mills. You think you can hold out or do we need to stop?” Carmen asked.

“Let’s go see your partner. I’m ok.” She kisses my cheek and if I didn’t have nasty puke mouth I think we would have got it on in the back of my car. I needed to feel Carmen in the worst way.

 

*

 

I rode the high of kill the tennis chic all the way to The Keys. Figured I’d lay low in her house down there. I seriously doubt that her husband wanted anything to with Florida after the way I left her. It’s all gravy for now…..I had to figure out what to do about Carmen. Should I move now or should I wait till later?

 

Orlando, Florida

 

 

This Mills guy had some cake. This was by far the nicest ranch style home I had ever seen. It was shrimp colored and had roman style columns, big bay window lots of light…it was at the end of the road, so you had to drive in a curve to get up to the front of the house. Carmen rang the doorbell and this hearty old guy with salt and pepper hair answers, he greats her with a hug and me with a firm hand shake and a disapproving glare. Why did it feel like I was taking her to the prom and her dad didn’t approve?

 

“Oh Shane don’t mind Mills, he is just a big old angry bear,” Carmen laughs and smiles. “how’s the novel coming Mills?” she asked.

“Good Carm good, come in let me show you to your rooms I am sure that you’re both very tired…”

Rooms?

Carmen looks more disappointed than I do. This dude is very protective of Carmen and she seems to be cool with it. I just had to be cool and not ruffle old dude’s feathers. He showed me to my room first. Nice, simple, clean. TV, cool, AC even cooler…Carmen’s room was three doors down it was just as far as the bands talent. While they played catch up I went out to get our stuff. I stopped and looked around…feeling like I was being watched but knowing I wasn’t. Made three trips and then I parked the car in the garage like I was instructed.

I dropped her stuff off and she thanked me. She said she was going to take a shower unless I wanted it first. I told her to go for it. And I went to my room to unpack the last few things I had left in the world. My tunes, picture of Mom and Pop, one of me and Mark when we turned 21 and were able to legally walk into a bar a drink. And that was it, everything else got blown to smithereens by ass face. Hell, if Dana didn’t bring this stuff with her when we first came down here…..Dana. It hits me like a ton of bricks, the sight of her burned into my head. What could she have done to deserve that?

 

There’s a knock on my door, its Mills and he has some fresh towels.

 

“You know you look a lot taller in person.”

 

“I don’t get what you mean.” I said.

“You know McCutcheon. Carmen really fucked up her whole life for you.” He said with a fair amount of disgust.

“This is your place and I don’t want to disrespect you but I love Carmen…”

“You didn’t let me finish kid…but she seems happy…so don’t fuck it up…she has had enough to deal with ok?”

“Yeah ok…. ” And he didn’t know she was having a baby….he said lunch was in an hour as he closed the door. I just lie in my new bed and wait for the knock from Carmen to let me know she is done in the bathroom. It doesn’t take long and she smells clean like soap and powder. I walk into the humid fog of her shower and I feel so turned on she was just naked in here…

There is a new tooth brush in a plastic case that I help myself to. I had to get that rank taste out of my mouth. The thing I hated the most about Florida was how bad the water tasted. Had that taken care of so I got under the water…..and it felt good. I washed away all of the shit from yesterday, which in my time felt like 3 days. I get out and Carmen is waiting for me with a grin on her face….

“Hey what are you-” I don’t finish because her mouth was on mine, the seal of her lips on mine sending green lights through my body. Her hands went straight for my nipples. The pleasure /pain ratio getting me all confused. My breathing was hard... ”We have to be really quick and quiet.” she tells me. No pretense no build up just her mouth, on mine, her fingers pinching my nipple her fingers making me all cross eyed. She backs me up against the wall. Math do math I was trying to tell myself. Add something make it last…”You missed this so much didn’t you?” I ask her out of desperation to get her to slow it down. She just takes my hand and guides my fingers to do her bidding. “Don’t talk…I need…I need…” It’s all she says. “The….The...bab….” I ask her. “It’s ok…come on…. I know you’re…… almost there….you…you oh god…you get all needy…ummm no more talking….”

 

She puts her hand over my mouth and she rests her head on my shoulder. When I come it feels like my whole body is liquid fire…the intensity of it leaves me weak. I almost forgot about her. So I use my thumb to get her there and she is grateful….

 

*

 

Lunch was sandwiches and fruit. Mills had a first name and it was John. I asked about what Carmen was like when he first meet her. He said she was a know it all hot shot. He then added that she was stuck up but mostly he was pissed that she was hot. He was convinced that god had it on for him. She just laughed at all of it leaving me to look goofy every time she smiled at me.

He said it was weird having someone he tailed for a while eating at his table. I told him that it was weird hearing myself being referred to as The Bully. What kind of code name for me was that anyway? Well it turns out that Carmen gave it to me based on the way I raced people. The lunch went serious when he bought up the news about Dana.

He said that he recognized the name and saw the APB they put out on Havoc. I couldn’t believe they really did that, I thought that was only in the movies. So Carmen gave him the run down about joining the D.E.A following him down to Florida being pregnant with his baby. Yeah John spit his juice on the table when she said that. Having removed himself from the .F.B.I. he wasn’t aware of that little piece of info. She explained that she thought I was dead. And she got it in her mind that tapping him twice in the head wasn’t good enough. She wanted him to hurt and bleed. So she needed him comfortable, I always thought she could have drugged him, and yeah it pissed me off that she went about it that way….but I don’t think it was her plan…she was kind of crazy, I don’t know I was just taking a guess. She never really explained why and I wasn’t sure I wanted to know.

John though, handled it like a pro. He said it was probably a bizarre form of Stockholm Syndrome in reverse. He was sort of trying to explain it for her. He said that she had nothing else, thinking I was dead was the last draw. And maybe she wanted to him to hurt the way she was, and what better way to get him the most vulnerable than to sleep with him. He asked her was that when she conceived? She said yeah, he asked her if she was thinking about you know protection, she said no. He says that proves his point she was thinking about destruction pure and simple.

And now there was a life. It was too weird, the more I thought about it.

“So Shane how do you fit into all of this? I mean why did he kill Dana Fairbanks?” John asked.

 

“Yeah… Mills… the thing is that Havoc has it in his mind that he is in love with Shane. And for some reason he was doing her a favor by killing Fairbanks.” Carmen said.

“I see…does he know about the baby?” John asked

“Yeah, he does. I think he wants to kill Carmen once the baby is born, and I think he wants me to be the mother…” I said.

Sitting there in the bright kitchen, light shining bright in my eyes. I knew John would do what he could to help us. I meant it when I said I would gut him. Havoc wasn’t going to hurt our only chance at some form of a life away from this shit.


End file.
